Allie Baxter is a survivor. True, she represses memories of her parents’ murder and she’s a recovering sex addict, but at least she’s functional and doesn’t require weekly counseling, unlike her therapy-addicted sister.
The pitted burn scars on Allie’s stomach serve as a daily reminder of the tragedy that took her parents’ lives. But all that matters now is to raise her adopted teenage daughter and to maintain her decent life as a single mother. Everything changes the day she learns her sister is housing a sexual predator— her sister’s childhood abuser. She seeks to numb her devastation with her former drug of choice after eight years of celibacy, but instead meets Steven, a thirty-something college student who talks about philosophy and literature. Allie feels safe with Steven and thinks she could love him, but he hides a secret of his own.
The nightmares of her childhood resurface when her daughter is injured and her sister insists on bringing up the past. Steven convinces her to visit the house where it started, but someone who doesn’t want her to remember attempts to destroy her sanity.
HOUSE OF THISTLES is women’s fiction, a 75,000-word story of a woman’s attempt to redeem herself from the sins visited upon her.
Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Wow. Sounds kind of dark. And intriguing. It seems like a lot of information, and by the time I got to the part about the conflict (someone not wanting her to remember something at her old house), I had to go back to the beginning to remind myself what she was supposed to be forgetting (her parents' murder). I assume they die in a fire?
ReplyDeleteI think I stink at query writing, though, so take this with a lot of salt, but I'd leave out the description of Stephen. It's enough to mention his name, but then skip to the next sentence:
She seeks to numb her devastation with her former drug of choice after eight years of celibacy, but instead meets Steven. Allie feels safe with Steven and thinks she could love him, but he hides a secret of his own.
It felt like too much info there.
Still, overall, it's better than my query was! :)
Love the title, though!
Hey Lanette,
ReplyDeleteHere's my 2-cents, for whatever it's worth.
In the first paragraph we're told that Allie is a survivor because she's lived through her parents murder and she's no longer a sex addict. However, we learn in the next paragraph that she was abused as a child. Perhaps you could move the information about her being a survivor of childhood (sexual? physical?) abuse into the first paragraph.
Also, the word celibacy when applied to drug abuse seems odd. Perhaps a different word could be used? After eight years of "being clean," maybe?
I agree with Laura that you might shorten the info about Steven. There are a lot of different elements at play here, and it seems like a lot of information to take in.
The only other thing I noticed was that your most intriguing sentence is placed in the second to last paragraph (that someone doesn't want her to remember and is out to make her question her sanity). You might consider reworking the query to focus on this single concept. It's powerful and would entice me to read on.
Good luck revising!
Erin
Not sure if the opinion of someone who's only been writing for 18 months counts for much, but here goes.
ReplyDeleteGood hook on the first sentence. But I'd get rid of the qualifier 'True' in the second sentence. It sounds a little awkward. Maybe reword the rest of the pararaph like this:
"Sure, maybe she's had to repress memories of her parents’ murder and overcome her sex addiction tendencies to do so. But still, she's managed to survive. And fully functional, too. Without the need for weekly counseling, unlike her therapy-addicted sister."
The "pitted burn scars" suggests how Allie’s parent's died. Nice. Leaves the reader wanting to know more about the circumstances surrounding her parent's deaths.
Then use of the word 'decent'. How does Allie define decent? Not being a sex-obsessed woman always on the make? Then say that. "With her sex-addiction now under control, Allie's new life revolves around raising her adopted teenage daughter in a world free of her shameful past." Or something to that effect.
"Everything changes the day she learns her sister is housing a sexual predator— her sister’s childhood abuser." Great. You give the reader information about why Allie's sister may be a bit more messed up than Allie -- unlike Allie, she was abused as a child.
"She seeks to numb her devastation with her former drug of choice after eight years of celibacy, but instead meets Steven, a thirty-something college student who talks about philosophy and literature. Allie feels safe with Steven and thinks she could love him, but he hides a secret of his own."
Unlike a previous poster, I think you should keep Steve in the query. He offers Allie a chance at redemption. Plus, he has a secret. It makes him more interesting and leaves the reader wondering exactly what that secret might be.
"The nightmares of her childhood resurface when her daughter is injured and her sister insists on bringing up the past." Are the nightmares related to her parent's gruesome deaths, or was Allie, like her sister, sexually abused? Based on the next sentence, I'm guessing the latter.
"Steven convinces her to visit the house where it started, but someone who doesn’t want her to remember attempts to destroy her sanity." This suggests that Allie was also the victim of sexual abuse but, unlike her sister, has buried those memories. If those memories are so deeply embedded, then I would eliminate the reference to the 'nightmares' in the previous sentence. It would just be the 'nightmare of her childhood' (singular) associated with her parent's deaths. Or maybe just say "The memories of her nightmarish childhood" at the beginning of the first sentence of the paragraph. And then a whole new sentence after the first: "But someone who doesn’t want her to remember that the death of her parents wasn't the only defining event of Allie's childhood attempts to destroy her sanity."
If Allie's parent's deaths and the sexual abuse are related, this might be the place to hint at that. (I'm thinking that they died because they discovered the abuse and were about to take action.) If this is the case, it would lend yet another layer of intrigue to draw the reader in. Just hint at it, though.
In the last sentence, the phrase "redeem herself from the sins visited upon her" sounds a little too biblical. I dunno. Maybe "a woman’s attempt to recover a childhood shattered by the actions of a single person." To show how tenuous it all is. That one person might have not only been responsible for sexually abusing Allie and her sister, but also for killing their parents in an effort to conceal his criminal actions.
Sounds like a great read. Certainly a dark one, though.
Thanks, ladies. I thought my query letter was short and tight and couldn't understand why I wasn't getting any bites. Now I see there's some confusion and not in a good way.
ReplyDelete